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Message Board > Malarkey > TRUE STORY BRO - Post a true story that sounds fake

December 17, 2019, 16:09
779 posts

Square Mezzmer's Baptisation Experience

Yes it all began when 2 young "Elders" knocked at my door. I invited them in, gave them soda which they reluctantly drank. They left me a pamphlet about American Jesus and invited themselves for the following Wednesday.

Second visit (Wednesday): I was a bit stoned so I'd prepared 3 sodas, one had a nip of vodka in. I smoked a cigar before they arrived to quell the alcoholic smell in case I wanted to spike one of them. Still in offering sodas, I chickened out. The blue glasses were plain soda, the orange one with vodka in I drank myself. FUN! I earned a copy of the Book Of Mormon.

Third visit: I learned about their rules, these poor 20'ish year olds had volunteered for 2 years of service and church visits. They were not allowed TV, video games or laptops. Their phones were locked from downloads and they DEFINITELY were not allowed porn or wanking.

I decided the only fun to be had was to play guitar to them. I asked: Is "Knocking On Heaven's Door" suitable music? I played through it and it seemed I had gained their trust. They made a prayer of truce between the Mormon church and myself. Not bad for a week's work.

Fourth visit: I still hadn't read any of The Book of Mormon. Getting quite bored, I asked what we should do this time. They played me a promotional video about some teen that made a discovery of God whilst walking through a wood, which was (obviously an american) that he should form the Mormon church! It was like something from the 80s and I nearly laughed 3 times. One of the Elders choked on a spicy Dorito and we even had to pause the video to pat him on the back. SUCH JOY!

Fifth visit: I was woken by a knock at the door. I thought "oh fuck it's Sunday morning and they want to take me to church" - remembering having somehow agreed to go with them to a small church of Latter Day Saints & Jesus Christ situated in my town. I let them in, brushed my teeth and rather reluctantly got ready fast.

The church visit was quite excruciating. Crying kids, weird americanized hymns. Luckily my phone went off after 45 minutes of a WHOLE 2 HOUR SERVICE. It was my mother, so I walked out said hello to mumsie about something or other. One of the 2 elders followed me out and I blurted "It's my mother she's ill!". I explained that she has cancer at the moment and post-op needs someone to look after her this morning. So I leg it.

The two elders have their eye on me in an aim to get me "baptised" as a Mormon. I'd almost do it for a laugh/undercover achievement but I know after my church visit this will actually be a very painful process.

Who knows?

Message Board > Malarkey > TRUE STORY BRO - Post a true story that sounds fake

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